Fuyu no Namida
by Lady Calliope
Summary: [oneshot] Kenshin, through no fault of his own, breaks his vow never to kill again. Now, his decision in the aftermath could quite literally make or break his relationship with the one he loves most. Kenshin x Kaoru.


Ohaiyo gozaimasu, minna-san

Ohaiyo gozaimasu, minna-san. Before reading this little fic of mine, I think it's safe to say you should be forward of a few things. There are several flashbacks in here, and if you haven't seen the OAV series or don't know who Hiko, Katsura, or Tomoe are, you might be a little lost. But fear not, the entire story will not go right over your head if you've never heard of any of those people. I promise. ^_^ Oh, and in addition to that, this story does not follow a chronological timeline. It does, however, take place two years after the beginning of the TV series. 

And just so I don't get yelled at: _Rurouni Kenshin_ and all related characters are property of Watsuki Nobuhiro-san and all other respective parties. And if you didn't know who created this great series, now you do. ^.^ 

Please send all comments to me: Lady_Tsunami@hotmail.com

Namida no Fuyu (Tears of Winter)

Blood. 

A crimson pool of life was slowly forming beside the still body of the young woman, staining the snow-encrusted earth with its tainted color. The gaping wound in her chest continued to seep and spill, as if mocking him even in death. _What now, Rurouni? Or should I say Battousai? Welcome back to the land of the living_.

It had been a mistake...

A cold wind began to howl though the buildings and alleys of the town, searing through a human's clothing with a bitter frost. But he wasn't aware of winter's icy fingers, because he was no longer a human in the eyes of Man. 

He was a deceitful monster.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

_"Katsura-san."_

_ _

_"Hai?"_

_ _

_"I will lend my sword to your cause. Tomoe saved my life. I think she knew I would have to fight once more. I believe that."_

_ _

_"I see."_

_ _

_"However, once the battle has been won..."_

_ _

_"You will withdraw from our clan?"_

_ _

_"I'm not saying that. But I will never kill again. Ever."_

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

_"What is your name, boy?"_

_ _

_"Shinta."_

_ _

_"Much too delicate a name for a swordsman. From now on your name will be Kenshin."_

_ _

_"Ken..shin..."_

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

The malicious glint in the man's gray eyes was akin to that of a demon's. His movements were faster than the blink of an eye and his skill was proving to be that of a Hitokiri, or worse. But the piercing gleam in those charcoal orbs revealed everything:he was fighting for much more than just his life.

"Battousai..." 

He spat the word out like the most heinous of curses. 

"You will atone for your crimes against the Shinsen-gumi with your life. I, Nagisa Tatara, will see that promise through to the end," he vowed, once again taking up his jutsu position and digging his heels into the clean snow.

Kenshin sighed heavily, but not with the weariness of battle. "Will you really accomplish anything by killing me?" he asked with a steady face, studying the man before him. "You would simply be taking my place and others would take yours. It won't change anything."

Growling ferociously with rage and insult, Tatara ground his teeth together. "Silence, you murderer! What could a demon like you understand of pride and justice?" he snarled. "You must die!"

The cold sound of steel on steel resounded throughout the streets as the two continued to battle fiercely. Clash. Strike. Dodge. Recover. It was a seemingly interminable routine of slaughter and sorrow, one that they had both fought countless times in the past. One that neither of them had ever lost. 

Today, though, the rules had changed according to the power of human will. Only one of them could declare victory, as the other would look on in tarnished defeat. 

"Tatara, iie! Yamatte, onegai!" a woman pleaded, watching her lover with a fearful gaze from behind a nearby wooden market cart. What had begun as a day of bliss and serenity was fast becoming an evening of foreboding and terror. They had been walking into town, searching for a restaurant called the Akabeko, when a man with fiery hair and a crossed scar on his left cheek had passed them. And then...

Their swords clashed deftly once again.

_ _

_Tatara..._

Slowly, she began to make her way out from behind the stilted stall, hand outstretched in agonized desperation. "Tatara..." she begged, tears streaking her milky face and staining her silken kimono. "Onegai..." 

A smirk crossed his bleeding face. "You're much better than what I had expected from a rurouni. But I know Battousai still lives within you, and it's his blood I want to see running through the streets!"

Kenshin's gaze narrowed as the two crossed blades and held, jockeying for position. "You're not accomplishing anything by doing this!" 

The two jumped apart, landing several meters away with a few meters of space in between them. Kenshin charged forward, raising his sword high in preparation of his next attack. Just as his sakabotou began to slice through the air, though, something struck him in the face, blinding him and stinging with a merciless chill.

He flinched momentarily from the impact and his weapon's momentum met with something solid in mid-swing, and became imbedded in it.

In horror, he quickly withdrew his sword and moved back, wiping his eyes furiously to clear them. What he saw when the world finally became visible once again drained the blood from his soul as it had twelve years ago. 

The dying body of a raven-haired young woman lay in the snow, a scarlet hole gouged in the right side of her chest.

Hoary snow fell silently from Tatara's hand as he dropped to the ground beside his rapidly fading lover. Gently lifting her head from the blood-soaked earth, a salty wetness spilled from his gray eyes as she whispered her last words to him. Cries of grief, lament, and regret escaped his mouth as her head sagged and became heavy. 

_What have I done...?_

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

_"People are being oppressed all around us. They are suffering. I cannot turn my back on them! I will not!"_

_ _

_"Mitsurugi is the most powerful form of sword technique. It is the black ship of absolute power that sails the land."_

_ _

_"That's why we should use it now! To protect the people from these painful times! That is the purpose of the Mitsurugi technique!"_

_ _

_"Swordsmanship is a method of murder, do you hear me? You can decorate it with all sorts of pretty words, but that is what it is. Kill some people in order to protect others. Murder some to save all. That is the final principle of all sword technique. As you know, I have murdered hundreds of evil men, but they were all human beings. They were merely trying to live their lives the only way they knew how. If you leave this mountain, you will live a life of murder under the direction of men who write their own justice. If you throw your lot in with them, Mitsurugi Technique will make you a mass murderer."_

_ _

_"You may be right, but I want to rescue with my own hands those who are suffering! Many people, countless lives, as many as I can! I want to be their savior! I must leave in order to do so!"_

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

"Donata...?" Kaoru whispered aloud to herself, setting aside her broom. She had seen a man dressed in white hastening down the dusty road and stop in front of the dojo's gate. Her gaze narrowed as he entered the courtyard, the stranger's identity still unknown. Then, in the fading red light of the afternoon sun, the stranger moved closer and it became clear who was breathlessly approaching her. 

"Sano, what's wrong? Why are you running?" she asked as soon as he was within earshot. _I've never seen him look this...worried...before. Matte...iie...shimatta! Doko wa...?_

"Jou-chan!" 

Her heart was pounding like a thousand angry drums. "Sano, Kenshin doko wa?! Didn't you two go into town together?"

"Jou-chan! It's about Kenshin, he..." Sanosuke began, slowing to catch his breath. He bent down, placing his hands on his knees, while she watched him with a palpable anxiety.

"Sano..." she pleaded, placing her hands on his heaving back and gently shaking him. He must have run all the way from town. Sano, please tell me! What's happened to Kenshin?

After a few unbearable moments of silence, he finally gained enough composure to relate the events that had sparked him to run such a distance alone. "Jou-chan..." he murmured quietly. "Kenshin...he...

"...Kenshin's gone, Jou-chan."

She fell to her knees on the cold ground, her eyes lifeless and dull.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

"Battousai!"

"Tatara, iie!"

The sound of steel slicing through flesh filled the air.

The lurid events continued to replay themselves over and over again in his mind, as if the Devil himself was laughing at the Battousai's role in a macabre joke. 

A light snow began to fall through the trees, slowly making its descent to the white earth below his feet. He must have been walking for hours by now, wandering aimlessly through the dense forests surrounding the town. Where was he going? Where had he been? 

He found he did not care in the least, as long as he was unable to go back to the place he had come from.

He hadn't bothered to offer Sanosuke an explanation of any kind, nor had he given him a message to deliver to Kaoru regarding his whereabouts. If he had remained in that street one moment longer, the smell and feel of blood satiating the air would have drowned him within the deep recesses of his past, a place from which he knew he would not, nor could not, return.

The scene of death once again resurfaced in his mind's eye:a raven-haired young woman lying in the snow-covered street with a gaping wound in her chest and love buried deep within her eyes...

_Tomoe._

Though of course it hadn't been. His blade had made sure work upon her soul, and he would never lay eyes upon her again in life or death. It was because of her sacrifice, of her love, that he had made that vow all those years ago, before the dawn of the Meiji Era, never to take another human life. He had wanted to create that world of peace that she so desired, wanted to protect and uphold it with his life.

A fine job he had done. 

And so, he left Tokyo. Not to escape the persecution of his opponent, nor to distance these bloody hands from...her. No, he knew better than to base such drastic decisions on such selfish emotions, for the consequences he would reap would be greater than the resolve. 

It was simply time. 

False promises will eventually give seed and bear the fruit of remorse, hatred, and deceit. That is why he had left. If he had stayed, the whole town would be in danger of a restless and bloodthirsty Hitokiri's blade, despite the best of his attempts to restrain it. It was quite clear now that he was never meant to find peace and contentment like the rest of the world. Only one truth was painfully clear to him now.

If he endeavored to change the will of Fate, another life would end at the sharpened edge of his blade.

_Gomen nasai, Kaoru-dono. I promised I would protect you, ne? But if I cannot even keep the one vow I made to myself, then this is the only way I can truly uphold my one promise to you_.

A sudden gust of wind wafted through the branches, whipping his frosted hair about his numb face. He thought he sensed the faintest tendrils of sorrowful tears on the icy breeze, but dismissed it as nothing more than the dying cries of a burdened heart.

_I pray that you soon forget me, Kaoru. I'm so sorry I never had the chance to call you that..._

He plunged into sudden darkness as the evening frost settled in on the boughs of the evergreens and the hearts of Man. 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

"Iie...it...it can't be true. He gave me his word that he would never leave again! 

"Oi, Jou-chan?" 

Sanosuke's surprisingly gentle voice pulled her from the recesses of her initial shock. She slowly shook her head, attempting only in part to clear the thoughts from her head. Why did he leave again?

A tender hand placed itself on her shoulder. "Oi, daijoubu desu ka?" he asked quietly. "I know this is hard, Jou-chan, but I also know you can get through this, just like you did last time, ne?"

No response was uttered from the trembling lips. 

He sighed deeply. "You can't believe it either, can you? I never thought he would do this. Ever. You would've thought he had learned his lesson from Kyoto...but that's Kenshin, ne? Always trying to protect everyone..."

"...Sano?" she whispered somberly.

"Hai?" he answered, just as gravely.

"Why did he leave?"

He nodded, a faint smile playing upon his solemn countenance. iShould've known that's what was next./i 

Carefully guiding her to the wooden porch that ran the length of the Kamiya Dojo, he helped her situate herself comfortably against one of the stilted supports. Then, after a few moments of heavy silence, he told her what had happened earlier that day in the marketplace, and of their friend's seemingly sudden decision to quit Tokyo.

After she had heard it all, the tears came freely and hotly down her pale cheeks. "Why...why do you think he left, Sano?" she asked in as steady of a voice as she could manage. She stared blankly at the setting sun.

"To tell you the truth," he began, looking at her as he spoke, "I think he did it...for us, Jou-chan: to protect us, however stupid that may sound. But, I also believe he left..."

She broke free of her trance and looked at him. 

"...for you."

"Demo..." she began sadly. 

"Right now, he probably feels the only way to protect you, and us, is to leave. He doesn't want the past repeating itself," he explained softly, looking out once more at the dimming light of day. "You know, he loves you, Jou-chan." 

It was no use. The sobs racked her body as she wept uncontrollably, throwing herself at Sanosuke and the comfort of his warm embrace. "Doshite?" she cried. "Why does he always think that I will look back at what happened twelve years ago and think differently of him?" 

At first, he was taken aback by her sudden rush of emotion and obvious desire for a shoulder to cry on. But soon he realized the only way she would be able to confront her tumultuous feelings was to set them all free. He slowly began to rub her shaking back in an attempt to calm and soothe her. 

"When he told me he was leaving for Kyoto," she continued in a more steady tone of voice, "I thought I was never going to see him again. The pain and agony that day caused me still haunts me, even now. I prayed that I would never have to face such a sunrise again, but now..."

Sanosuke's reassuring embrace invited the tears to come once again. "I told him the day I met him that I didn't see him as the Battousai or a bloody assassin or a demon. I saw him as Himura Kenshin, the rurouni and my friend. 

"Even if he killed a hundred men, I could never see him as anything else."

"Jou-chan?"

She looked up at him, the salty wetness still fresh in her blue eyes. 

"You love him, don't you?" he murmured. The words were spoken with the greatest compassion and understanding, but she also detected a hidden trace of sadness and longing.

She slowly turned her gaze toward the darkening heavens above, smiling quietly. "Especially on the coldest of winter nights."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

_Kenshin..._

Warmth. He was warm, and alive.

Slowly, he opened his eyes and looked about him, warily taking in his new surroundings. The place was strange, yet oddly familiar to him. It was as if he'd been there once upon a dream.

_ _

_Do you remember this place?_

The soft voice continued to speak to him, seeming to come from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Slightly bewildered, he quickly glanced around him. The cherry trees surrounding the clearing were in full blossom, gently releasing their pink and white flowers to the warm breeze that ruffled their boughs. The petals lightly littered the soft earth with a litany of color and fragrance. "Where am I? This place..." he wondered aloud. "Am I..."

_No_, the voice chuckled delicately. Y_ou are not dead. I brought you here to tell you something, Kenshin._

"Who are you?" he asked to the gently blowing wind. 

_ _

_A simple question can have so many answers, ne?_

The scent of white plums began to mix with that of the cherry blossoms. 

"Tomoe?" he cried, desperate with disbelief and sadness.

_Hai, Kenshin.. I never had the chance to say...so many things to you. I am sorry it has taken me so long to do so. You know, I have been watching you since I left that day._

"You have? Demo..."

_Hai, I have. And I have seen you make some very nice friends in the past two years. I especially like that girl, Kaoru. And I know you do as well. But today..._

His eyes filled with shame and regret at her soft-spoken words. Even she knew of his inescapable and miserable fate. "Tomoe, onegai, I tried! I tried...so hard...to live a bloodless life after the war, because I knew that's what you would have wanted, and it was what I needed. But I'm not capable of upholding even that simple promise. I'm nothing but a fool. Onegai, try to understand but please, don't forgive me..."

_Kenshin, yamatte. Do you think I brought you here to wallow in the stench of blood and steel? To make you reflect on what you have done? You already know all that_.

"Demo...if you know what I've done, how can you even speak to me? I lied to you...to myself, to everyone..."

_ _

_I am not here to chastise. You love her, don't you?_

He was taken aback by the abruptness and gentleness of the statement. "H...Hai," came the guilty, loving response. "Demo..."

_Iie, Kenshin. Do not try to apologize to me. I do not want you living your whole life feeling that you can never love another because of me. I want to see you happy. Do not think that because of what you have done in the past you do not deserve a chance at happiness. Everyone makes their own choices about how they want to live. That girl today, in the market, she wanted to save the one she loved from being blinded by the past and losing the future, no matter what the consequences. I am doing the same. Do not be afraid of love, Kenshin, for that is where the greatest tragedy and sorrow lies in life. I learned that lesson well._

"Tomoe...I..."

_Someone is calling you. I am afraid I must leave you once more, but I will be watching, koishii. I will always be watching..._

"Arigatou, Tomoe," he said quietly as the scene around him began to fade and give way to darkness. "You have managed to save my life once more. Even in death you continue to be my guardian angel..." 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

The pungent smell of chicken soup and the comforting warmth of a blazing fire greeted him as he gradually returned to consciousness. The darkness of the room flickered with the dancing of the flames as he slowly realized he was no longer in the forest, but in the kitchen of the dojo lying under several layers of blankets. A sudden noise drew his attention to the darkened corner by the door, where a small figure sat curled up in a wooden chair. 

Kaoru. 

A tender smile slowly spread across his face as he watched the younger woman attempt to sleep in such an uncomfortable position. He had never been so happy to see her. 

_This time, things will be different, Kaoru. I think, no, I believe, this is the way Tomoe would have wanted it. No more tears of pain will be shed_.

"She was by your side for three days straight," a voice whispered from behind him, tearing Kenshin from his thoughts. A bandaged hand placed itself on his shoulder. "She was the one that chased after you into the freakin' blizzard and somehow managed to drag you the ten miles home. Don't ask me how she did it, though. That's a mystery to me."

He stared at the redhead as the latter continued to gaze upon Kaoru's restless figure. 

"You know, she's going to throttle you when she wakes up."

"Somehow," Kenshin sighed as he stood, "I'm really looking forward to it, Sano."

He walked to the chair and, so as not to disturb her, gently took her in his arms, drinking in the sight and scent of her in the pale winter moonlight. He carried her to her room, hesitated before entering, and then quietly made his way to her bed. As he was pulling the covers up around her, her eyes slowly fluttered open to see him looking at her. She smiled. 

"You're finally awake," she murmured. 

"Hai, thanks to you," he returned, smiling back at her.

"I was getting worried," she confessed bashfully, "that I would never see you again, so I went to find you and bring you back. I knew you might be upset with me, but you promised me you wouldn't leave again no matter what..."

"And I'm very glad you did follow me. Otherwise, I would still be lying face down in two feet of snow," he whispered, attempting to lighten her seemingly nervous mood. 

"Kenshin, about what happened today..." she ventured cautiously, glancing at his face but unable to hold his intense gaze. "I just wanted you to know that I...it doesn't change the way I look at you. Nothing ever will. I...I was so scared I'd never see you again..."

Her eyes began to glisten as tears rolled down her hot cheeks. He had never looked at her the way he was looking at her at that moment, and it both frightened and excited her at the same time. 

"I was scared of the same thing," he admitted softly, tentatively reaching out his hand and lightly wiping away the salty wetness from her face. "But after what I did today..."

"Kenshin," she cut him off sternly but softly. The slight breeze blowing through the room seemed to carry with it a trace of white plums.

"Hai, Kaoru?" he smiled, caressing her cheek with the back of his hand as she intertwined their fingers. 

"Shut up."

*-*-*-* Owari *-*-*-*


End file.
